I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
