Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
