Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
