Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
