I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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