I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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