Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
