The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
