theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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