Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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