If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
