i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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