I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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