you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This baby is an asshole
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
