I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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