dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
