I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
