fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
