Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
