I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
