I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
