my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
