I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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