She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
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i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud