I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
