The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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