At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
