pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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