i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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