Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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