I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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