i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Let's get the cat blown out
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