the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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