I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You're a waste of cheezeits
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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