You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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