I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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