I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
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Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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