Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
