Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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