Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
