I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
