I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
