Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
