Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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