I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
