guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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