She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
