If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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