Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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