Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
