I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
