yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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