Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
