it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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