Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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